Maptastic
Christopher Columbus discovered Jamaica in 1496 and a couple voyages later he ended up marooned there for well over a year. The Spaniards had it good for a while, pretending they were gods and demanding the natives bring them offerings of food and women. With miracles in short supply and the look I can pull my thumb off routine wearing thin, the natives soon grew tired of saying Yes Almighty and No Your Biggness and You want to do what to my sister and stopped feeding them. Crafty as always and desperate to keep his baby maddah on the side, Christopher pulled out his almanac and used the old solar eclipse gag which is still in use on the island today.
How does this little bit of history relate to us?
Our travels are going to be taking us from the balmy climes of Toronto in December down to Florida to participate in the local pastimes of Bingo and Outlet Mall shopping. We’ll be heading up to the middle of Florida to see the pinnacle of human engineering, the representation of humanity’s desire to achieve and stride forward…we’re going to Disney. After that we might check out that Cape Canaveral place where they do that space stuff.
Once we take our fill of the Riviera of the South we’ll head down to Jamaica to spend some time with my parents. Thus far the extended family has been regaling Tash with whimsical stories about the world renowned Jamaican hospitality. The fact that Jamaica has the highest homicide rate per-capita and their open minded attitude and tolerance towards homosexuality is often exhibited by a good old fashioned biblical stoning. They nostalgically recount that the Jamaicans’ favorite means of resolving disputes is still the innocuous ice pick with the gentile machette coming a close second.
With armed escort in mind, have a gander at some of the places that we’re thinking of visiting.
Once we return from Jamaica we’re going to be cramming all of our stuff into Denise’s Mini for a cross country road trip across the You Ess of Ehh. The highpoints for me are searching for the perfect fried chicken, trying to eat a 72 oz steak, enjoying the mermaid show in Weeki Wachee Florida, and maybe seeing the World’s Biggest Ball of String. On my shopping list is a plaster bust of Elvis and perhaps a pair of cow horns from Texas for the front of my ride.
Along the way we’ll be documenting our travels on this blog so stay tuned.
So have a look at the places that we had in mind. Let me know your recommendations and I’ll update the maps. Share the love and leave a comment below.
The Choice of the New Generation
While mapping out where we were planning to go in Jamaica and for the road trip across the States I stumbled across this must see destination. It’s good to see that American corporate influence still extends into the Axis of Evil. Be sure to zoom out on the map to see where you’re going before booking a flight.
Cowshow
As if spending time with my family wasn’t enough, Tash and I went to the Toronto Royal Agricultural Show because she wanted to see the animals. Overall it was a very interesting experience. I think it was cow day so farmers from all over Canada came to show off their prize bovines. Cows were washed, shaved and groomed. Attending farmers complete with hairspray and blow driers did their darndest to make an animal not usually know for their beauty look purdey for the judges.
Cow Wash
Also on hand was the requisite Giant Vegetable Competition. Rumor has it the sport will be picked up by ESPN next year and is also a likely candidate for the 2012 Olympics in London.
The contest was down to a rather bloated pumpkin and a disturbingly erotic zucchini. Sad to say we weren’t able to stick around for the judging since the butter sculpting demonstration was starting up and we didn’t want to miss the Taj Mahal in all of its artery clogging glory.
In some ways going to the Royal Agricultural Show was kind of like going to the LA Car Show, but instead of concept cars they had cows. Instead of debuting next years auto models they had cows. And instead of exotic dancers and adult entertainment stars moonlighting as booth bunnies they had cows.
All Hail the Great Pumpkin!
We threw a Surprise Brunch for Uncle Ray today. Donette managed to get him out of the house by telling him that she wanted to see the Santa Claus Parade. Funny enough Uncle Scrooge wasn’t thrilled about the idea. On the other hand when he saw all of us waiting for him at the table we’re not sure he would have preferred to stand out in the cold and wave at Santa instead.
Although everyone was missing Congee Queen and even without chicken feet we still managed to have a good time. Personally I have misgivings about eating a meal without a disposable plastic sheet on the table and using hot tea as a sterilizing agent.
Uncle Ray’s real birthday is in the next few days so be sure to give him a call. And next? Auntie MJ! Wonder what body part we can get for her?
At the end of the night as everyone was going home we asked Uncle Ray how he was feeling. His response… At least I’m not as old as Thalia.
Who's Head is Bigger?
I think it's stuck.
I wish for...a few less sisters.
LHR to YYZ
Hello Everyone!
I’ve started to write this blog to keep everyone up to date on my whereabouts. For some of you this might come as a surprise but I’ve left the UK. Sorry I didn’t say good-bye to so many of you but it’s always easier to sneak out the back door then leave through the front. I’ve dropped off the radar in the past couple of months trying to figure out what I’m going to do with my life. Stay in London, move to LA, become Born Again, start a rock band, the possibilities were endless. So I finally made up my mind. Unfortunately all of the good band names were taken so LA it was then.
I’ve been getting a few emails from friends trying to figure out where I am and what better way to let people know where I am and what I’m doing then to provide them with a map. This blog is easier then sending everyone the same set of messages and I’ll be able to put some interesting pictures online so you really don’t have to read the long tedious emails that I know you’ll just filter into your trash anyway.
Eight years ago on the eve of the 2000 American Presidential election and with several fortifying martinis flowing sluggishly through me I said to myself “If that madman gets elected I’m leaving the country.” And while I awoke the next morning to a well deserved hangover so too was the rest of the country beginning to experience a headache that would last for the next eight years. What I said in jest turned out to be a reality. Not because of the outcome of a stolen election or for a halfwit in the White House even though it was as good an excuse as any, I ended up moving to the UK.
Eight years on and I’m back. Having finally mastered the art of enjoying a warm beer on cold summer night I’m returning to America anxious to share my stories with people who still believe the war in Iraq is really about WMDS , Fighting the War on Terror, Liberating the Iraqi People, a great excuse to buy a new SUV. But I’m being cautious, slowly acclimatizing myself so that America doesn’t come as too much of a shock to my system.
So I’m starting in America Light.
Canada.
I arrived in Toronto last Friday to meet up with Tash. At the airport I was having second thoughts and not because I was leaving London and starting a new life but thinking perhaps I should have waited till after the election. But as I write this sitting in Tash’s apartment watching CNN, I’m feeling relieved about my decision. Jesse Jackson is having his moment in the limelight, breaking down in tears while Obama gives his victory speech, possibly recounting his desire for a small souvenir from the President Elect when he said I wanna cut his nuts off. The skeptical side of me believes he’s crying because he’s thinking it should be me up there dammit!
So with the election in the bag, it seems that it’s safe to return to the land that brought you Super Sizing and drive-thru Starbucks. My journey begins in Canada, America’s Hat so to speak. After a brief respite in the Great White North, the next part of my trip takes me to Florida, down to Jamaica, then back to Florida to start a cross country road trip that will finally take us to Los Angeles. Tash and I will be posting stories and pictures of our travels on this blog, so keep on checking back, or subscribe to the RSS feed for more up to the minute action.
And just think in another eight years the tides might yet turn again. I can foresee a time when the scariest phrases in common vernacular are no longer Weapons of Mass Destruction, Global Warming or Financial Crisis but instead replaced by only two words…
President Palin
As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where…where do they go? It’s Alaska. It’s just right over the border. –Sarah Palin, explaining why Alaska’s proximity to Russia gives her foreign policy experience, interview with CBS’s Katie Couric, Sept. 24, 2008